A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit!"
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Teen age sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Men never listen
Men Never Listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
“Sir,” she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
“Sir,” she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
How Grandma came to be
Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. The child asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow. How am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God replied, "Among the angels, I'll choose one for you. Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.
The child further inquired, "But tell me God, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and feel very happy."
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"I've heard that on earth there are bad people. Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it's life."
At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but the voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angels name."
"Her name is not important. You will simply call her GRANDMA."
God replied, "Among the angels, I'll choose one for you. Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.
The child further inquired, "But tell me God, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and feel very happy."
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"I've heard that on earth there are bad people. Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it's life."
At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but the voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angels name."
"Her name is not important. You will simply call her GRANDMA."
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Beautiful Blonde
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?
I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
The blonde replies 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?
I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
Friday, April 9, 2010
Texas Cowboy and Trooper
A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Old Man Lives in Country
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be diggingup a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES - Love Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. - Love Fred
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be diggingup a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES - Love Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. - Love Fred
Two Young Lovers
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs.
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs.
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says..............”Are you going to tell him, or should I?
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says..............”Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Naked Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One Wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining".
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining".
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up To the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would Like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I Can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll Lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad Things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a Prescription."
The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I Can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll Lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad Things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a Prescription."
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