Lost Wife in Walmart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Men never listen

Men Never Listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men

1. Men are like ......Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh*t out of you.

2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The! older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ...Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Deer Hunting

A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eightpoint buck.


"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

Husband's Rightly Demands

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.


He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess?!"

Don't Send a Man to the Grocery Store

Number one would have to be a video of Jeanne Robertson "Don't Send a man to the Grocery Store." I absolute love it and I'm sure you will as well.

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.


"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I get a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask? "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says? Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man