Saturday, June 26, 2010

Cowboy's Favorite Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Friday, June 25, 2010

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, Randy noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

Randy couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Blonde and a Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.
He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Kids..Passing On

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Pregnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. she then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.  When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Susan, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Drunk in a Bar

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" he said.

The drunk replied, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Boys and Baseball

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

You're An Extreme Redneck When:

  1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
  3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
  6. Someone in your family died right after saying, Hey, guys, watch this
  7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  9. Your junior prom offered day care.
  10. You think the last words of the Banner are Gentlemen, start your engines."
  11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
  14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. =
  16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
  17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house