Blonde - Olympics

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?


A: She had it bronzed.

Psychiatrist Function

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.


"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Deer Hunting

A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eightpoint buck.


"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

Driving Down the Highway

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.


"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.

"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......

"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

Well Planned

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school; did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second marriage was to an actor, my third marriage was to a preacher, and now I'm married to a mortician."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Payback can bite

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"


To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear


Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are!

Narcissism - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Paranoia - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me

Mania - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town

Depression - Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal - Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away)

Saving Money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a China piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.


To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

Tender Bit

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked

"To get my teeth!"

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Mother's Intuition..Don't Mess with It

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

First Time Fathers

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian."Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

The Mommy Test

THE MOMMY TEST


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.

It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed,

"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Reckless Driving with Wife

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Husband's Rightly Demands

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.


He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess?!"

Welfare Worker

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Speed chase down the highway

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on.


The cars race down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.

When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"

Don't Send a Man to the Grocery Store

Number one would have to be a video of Jeanne Robertson "Don't Send a man to the Grocery Store." I absolute love it and I'm sure you will as well.

Couples 25 Anniversary

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Types of Women

HARD-DISK Woman:

She remembers everything, FOREVER.


RAM Woman:

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.


WINDOWS Woman:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.


EXCEL Woman:

They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.


SCREENSAVER Woman:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!


INTERNET Woman:

Difficult to access.


SERVER Woman:

Always busy when you need her.


MULTIMEDIA Woman:

She makes horrible things look beautiful.


CD-ROM Woman:

She is always faster and faster.


E-MAIL Woman:

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.


VIRUS Woman:

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Signs You're Getting 'Too Old To Drive

1. It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
2. When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.
3. It scares you to drive the speed limit.
4. The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
5. You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
6. You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.
7. Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
8. Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

How to Lose a Geek in 10 Seconds

Jane meets Tarzan

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.


She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees first," said Tarzan

Hillbilly Honeymoon

This hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.


"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do I do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, She's nekid and we're both in bed, What do I do now?"

Knowing his son wasn''t the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?" "No, the son replies. Well take your clothes off and get in bed with her."

The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body in where she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa, I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

Walmart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

The Receptionist

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it. Old, but still handsome and well-dressed insurance man Ray walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The insurance man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the insurance man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Yard Signs

Advice From Kids

"Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored."
-- Elissa, 9


"Good food always comes with a toy."
-- Ryan, 6


"Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should."
-- Juaquim, 7


"Don't dry the dog in the microwave."
-- Brittany, 5


"If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy."
-- Daniel, 7


"You can't eat soup with a fork."
-- Mel, 4


"Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting."
--Xiang, 8


"Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet."
--Bob, 11

Pencils

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...
...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Made a Decision

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, type Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Tell It Like It Is

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher...


When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.

One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

True Story

True Story


According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, Ohio, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.  Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.  Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.  To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.  Following the instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.

There was complete silence in the room.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers--and then there are Educators

Theatre

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.


''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

''All right buddy, what's your name?''

''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.

''The balcony.''

The Pregnant Blond

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"


Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I Asked her how she knew. She said....





(You're going to love this!)



"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.


"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I get a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask? "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says? Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man

What would you like them to say

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
"Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

The Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer

Drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth

Until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the

Attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his

Mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Cruise Special - $99

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"


So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year.”

Picked out my tomb stone

Lady Goes To Doctor

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"


The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

You-Tube

Brush Teeth

Leave Mints

Teenage sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.


The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Drinks on the house

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"


The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Expensive Restaurant

A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, and then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum?"


"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

Sewage System

After we called for help with our backed-up sewage system, a man in a large truck arrived to pump out the septic tank. As he proceeded with the dirty and difficult task, my mother made small talk. Then he asked her, "What does your husband do for a living?"


"He's a car salesman," she replied.

"Oh," said the serviceman with a sympathetic look. "Well, I guess someone has to do it."

Getting the kids ready

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.


"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

Frozen

Snow White

Abraham Lincoln Quote

Crushed

Q & A

Q. What makes the Tower of Pisa lean?

A. It never eats.


Q. How can you tell the President in two letters, that you dislike him?
A. Write to him twice.


Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their seats.


Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. Ah! Breakfast in bed!


Q. What is broken every time you say its name?
A. Silence.


Q. What do you get when you steal a calendar?
A. Thirty days.

Frog

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes...”


The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world..."

The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him..."

The Woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me..." So poof! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, that will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you..."

The woman said "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...” So, poof!! - She’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack...."

New Cuyama

This is real sign for a real town in California. A town with a sense of humor

 

LIttle Johnny gets into Mischief

Little Johnny was always getting into mischief. In exasperation, his mother finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Little Johnny, come in or stay out!'

Oh Darn

Travel

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.


"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

Sheriff

Burglar Proof

Technology

Soul

Kids

My daughter Sydney is in the first grade and doing very well especially in spelling. A couple of weeks ago she came home with her new words and we were studying them for her upcoming test. We came to the word "knit" and I asked her to spell it. She said, "n-i-t". I said, "No, try again." She said, very slowly, "n-i-t". I said, "Sydney, I know you know how to spell this word, try again." Very aggravated and verrrrry slowly (like I was just not getting the whole picture) she spelled, "N-I-T!" Finally I told her the correct spelling, k-n-i-t. She looked at me, hands on hips and said, "THE K'S SILENT!!!"

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself 'this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!'


So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back -wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

How to Lose a Geek

Is It Coming or Going?

Mom's Not Coming Back

Bathroom

Be Not Afraid

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to getaway from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?, Satan asked."

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word asked Satan?"

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Haunting

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."

Mexican/American War

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to
try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied, "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

Doctor - Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door.

A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, 'Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?'

Doctor What They Say / What They Mean

Doctors: What They Say / What They Mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is
hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
-or-I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

"Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to
appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is
you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

"How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like heck."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank Goodness I'm off
next week."

Love Reflections

Love's Reflections

Love is often reflected,
in the things we do each day.
By how we view ourselves,
and what we have to say.
It can rest in a mother's eyes,
as she watches her child sleep.
Or can tear her heart apart,
when she hears a loved one weep.
It's there in the gentle touch,
of a child's questing hand.
And is often there behind,
a father's reprimand.
You can see it on the faces,
of the couples, in the park.
While you feel the strength it brings,
as you cuddle in the dark.
Love wears so many faces,
and is reflected everyday.
In the touch, the smile, the careless words,
we choose to use and say.
By Julie Schroeder

Zoo Animals

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Beer Contains Female Hormones

This is Alarming!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 beers within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary!! Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

Go Git Your Momma

A hillbilly family from the hills was visiting the city, and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy . . go gitcha Momma . . . "

Parting

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Human Resources Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Every month we get a Human Resources report on terminations. When they are asked to put a reason why they were terminated, the reasons vary from resigned, got a better job, getting married, moving, sexual misconduct, etc. What I've found is that there isn't a standard list. So, I decided to come up with one based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just 7 reasons for termination:

Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.

Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.

OTHERS

Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.

Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.

Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

Spike

No Name Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.  She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.  "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."  He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."  Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's $.20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,  "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.  I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

Have A Soft And Gentle Day

And Remember, Sometimes Name Brands Do Make A Difference

Blonde's Keyboard

Is this too much?

Cute Kitties

They are just adorable

There are so many clean jokes and pictures out there that I wanted somewhere to put them. Enjoy