Doctors: What They Say / What They Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is
hoping you will give him a clue.
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
"Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
-or-I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to
appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is
you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."
"How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like heck."
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."
"This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
"This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank Goodness I'm off