Lost Wife in Walmart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from! Side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Satan Appears

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the  front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the  church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years.”

Choose Life

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red  light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday- School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
 

Naturally...  I assumed you had stolen the car.priceless!

DUI * Hillbilly Style

Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where  drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'  vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

 "I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

You know you're from Tennessee if:

1.      You measure distance in minutes.

2.      You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3.      Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4.      You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5.      You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I'm fixin' to go to the store.

6.      All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7.      You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.

8.      You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

9.      You know what "cow tipping" is.

10.  You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup. No genuine Tennessean ever called it "Catsup." Down here it's "Ketchup", and let's not forget pepper sauce for the turnip greens!

11.  The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for sports.

12.  You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

13.  You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14.  You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

15.  You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west, or middle Tennessee soon as they open their mouth.

16.  Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "goin to town."

17.  You describe the first cool snap (below 60 degrees) as good Chili weather.

18.  A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Sample: "What kinda coke ya want?"

19.  Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

20.  You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Georgia, 'Bama, and Louisianny

When negative people do their best to rain on your parade

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber Rivercalled Teste."

"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody think s it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!  The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get that shitty hairdo?

Picture Perfect

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

Family

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

 

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

 

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I Can Hear Just Fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

 

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

 

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet"   applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".
    

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

The Birth Order of Children

Your Clothes:

• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
•  

Preparing for the Birth:

• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

 

The Layette:

• 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
• 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
• 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

 

Worries:

• 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
• 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his/her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
• 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

 

Pacifier:

• 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
• 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
• 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

 

Diapering:

• 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
• 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
• 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

 

Activities:

• 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
• 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
• 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

 

Going Out:

• 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
• 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
• 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

 

At Home:

• 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
• 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
• 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

 

Swallowing Coins:

• 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
• 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
• 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live

 

 

Asphalt

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.

He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?"

 

"Driver's license and registration please."