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Brush Teeth

Leave Mints

Teenage sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.


The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Drinks on the house

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"


The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Expensive Restaurant

A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, and then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum?"


"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

Sewage System

After we called for help with our backed-up sewage system, a man in a large truck arrived to pump out the septic tank. As he proceeded with the dirty and difficult task, my mother made small talk. Then he asked her, "What does your husband do for a living?"


"He's a car salesman," she replied.

"Oh," said the serviceman with a sympathetic look. "Well, I guess someone has to do it."

Getting the kids ready

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.


"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

Frozen

Snow White

Abraham Lincoln Quote

Crushed

Q & A

Q. What makes the Tower of Pisa lean?

A. It never eats.


Q. How can you tell the President in two letters, that you dislike him?
A. Write to him twice.


Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their seats.


Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. Ah! Breakfast in bed!


Q. What is broken every time you say its name?
A. Silence.


Q. What do you get when you steal a calendar?
A. Thirty days.

Frog

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes...”


The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world..."

The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him..."

The Woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me..." So poof! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, that will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you..."

The woman said "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...” So, poof!! - She’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack...."

New Cuyama

This is real sign for a real town in California. A town with a sense of humor

 

LIttle Johnny gets into Mischief

Little Johnny was always getting into mischief. In exasperation, his mother finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Little Johnny, come in or stay out!'

Oh Darn

Travel

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.


"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

Sheriff

Burglar Proof

Technology

Soul

Kids

My daughter Sydney is in the first grade and doing very well especially in spelling. A couple of weeks ago she came home with her new words and we were studying them for her upcoming test. We came to the word "knit" and I asked her to spell it. She said, "n-i-t". I said, "No, try again." She said, very slowly, "n-i-t". I said, "Sydney, I know you know how to spell this word, try again." Very aggravated and verrrrry slowly (like I was just not getting the whole picture) she spelled, "N-I-T!" Finally I told her the correct spelling, k-n-i-t. She looked at me, hands on hips and said, "THE K'S SILENT!!!"

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself 'this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!'


So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back -wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

How to Lose a Geek

Is It Coming or Going?

Mom's Not Coming Back

Bathroom

Be Not Afraid

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to getaway from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?, Satan asked."

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word asked Satan?"

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Haunting

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."