Little Johnny farting

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school.


When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.

Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Kentucky and Ohio Rednecks Fishing

There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"


"Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

Census Bureau

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"


Redneck Woman: "Fo'."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

A Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A beer before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."


She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You idiot! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh darn, it's started"

Clown test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer.


"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"

"I'm a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking.  Look at the test they're giving now!

Two Blondes Fishing

Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing. After finding a good location, the first blond told the second one to mark the spot so when they came back they will be able to find it again. On the way home, the first one asked, "How did you mark that spot?"

The reply was, "I put an X on the bottom of the boat."

To that, the first blond said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat next time?"

Enough Is Enough

One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough.


"Hello?" I said.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this...

59 and Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

Men

1. Men are like ......Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh*t out of you.

2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The! older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ...Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Obedient Wife

OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Texas Legislature

The Texas Legislature is now considering a bill that would speed up executions in heinous crimes that had more than three eyewitnesses.


If more than three people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on death row for fifteen years, you go straight to the front of the line.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, and Texas is putting in an express lane!

Name Game

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.


The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Decision

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

Monkey and Lizard Smoking a Joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few puffs.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the water.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says...."Hoooooly Shit ......DUDE!  ......  How much water did you drink?!"

Farmer's Will

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.



TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Old farmer and the skinny dippers

An old farmer near Darwin had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large dam away from the house, picnic tables, a croquet court, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was nice and deep and was ideal for swimming, though no one had disturbed its waters for quite a while.

As Darwin had expanded the suburbs had got closer, but he wasn't interested in breaking up his farm. Recently a neighboring farm had diversified and was employing backpackers to pick their fruit.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard some Nordic voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "Ve are not coming out until you have left us alone!

The old man frowned and called back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."