If Men Had Their Way

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Garbage would take itself out.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would auto-magically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "Fast enough to spill my beer all over the place." Cop: "Good one! That's $20 off."

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

"COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "Beer."

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From a Different Camera Angle.

It would be easy to rent a tank