Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Jane meets Tarzan
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees first," said Tarzan
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees first," said Tarzan
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Hillbilly Honeymoon
This hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do I do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, She's nekid and we're both in bed, What do I do now?"
Knowing his son wasn''t the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?" "No, the son replies. Well take your clothes off and get in bed with her."
The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body in where she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa, I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"
"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do I do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, She's nekid and we're both in bed, What do I do now?"
Knowing his son wasn''t the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?" "No, the son replies. Well take your clothes off and get in bed with her."
The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body in where she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa, I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"
Friday, November 27, 2009
Walmart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The Receptionist
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it. Old, but still handsome and well-dressed insurance man Ray walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The insurance man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the insurance man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The insurance man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the insurance man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Advice From Kids
"Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored."
-- Elissa, 9
"Good food always comes with a toy."
-- Ryan, 6
"Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should."
-- Juaquim, 7
"Don't dry the dog in the microwave."
-- Brittany, 5
"If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy."
-- Daniel, 7
"You can't eat soup with a fork."
-- Mel, 4
"Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting."
--Xiang, 8
"Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet."
--Bob, 11
-- Elissa, 9
"Good food always comes with a toy."
-- Ryan, 6
"Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should."
-- Juaquim, 7
"Don't dry the dog in the microwave."
-- Brittany, 5
"If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy."
-- Daniel, 7
"You can't eat soup with a fork."
-- Mel, 4
"Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting."
--Xiang, 8
"Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet."
--Bob, 11
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Pencils
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...
...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...
...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
Made a Decision
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, type Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, type Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Tell It Like It Is
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher...
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.
One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.
One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
True Story
True Story
According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, Ohio, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Following the instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers--and then there are Educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, Ohio, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Following the instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers--and then there are Educators
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Theatre
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony.''
''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony.''
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Pregnant Blond
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I Asked her how she knew. She said....
(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I Asked her how she knew. She said....
(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The miracle of toilet paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I get a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask? "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says? Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I get a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask? "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says? Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man
What would you like them to say
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
"Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
"Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Duck
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
Drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
Until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
Attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
Mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
Until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
Attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
Mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Cruise Special - $99
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year.”
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year.”
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Lady Goes To Doctor
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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