Blonde - Olympics

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?


A: She had it bronzed.

Psychiatrist Function

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.


"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Deer Hunting

A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eightpoint buck.


"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

Driving Down the Highway

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.


"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.

"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......

"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

Well Planned

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school; did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second marriage was to an actor, my third marriage was to a preacher, and now I'm married to a mortician."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Payback can bite

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"


To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear


Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are!

Narcissism - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Paranoia - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me

Mania - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town

Depression - Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal - Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away)

Saving Money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a China piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.


To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

Tender Bit

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked

"To get my teeth!"

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Mother's Intuition..Don't Mess with It

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

First Time Fathers

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian."Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

The Mommy Test

THE MOMMY TEST


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.

It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed,

"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Reckless Driving with Wife

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Husband's Rightly Demands

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.


He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess?!"

Welfare Worker

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Speed chase down the highway

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on.


The cars race down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.

When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"

Don't Send a Man to the Grocery Store

Number one would have to be a video of Jeanne Robertson "Don't Send a man to the Grocery Store." I absolute love it and I'm sure you will as well.

Couples 25 Anniversary

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Types of Women

HARD-DISK Woman:

She remembers everything, FOREVER.


RAM Woman:

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.


WINDOWS Woman:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.


EXCEL Woman:

They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.


SCREENSAVER Woman:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!


INTERNET Woman:

Difficult to access.


SERVER Woman:

Always busy when you need her.


MULTIMEDIA Woman:

She makes horrible things look beautiful.


CD-ROM Woman:

She is always faster and faster.


E-MAIL Woman:

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.


VIRUS Woman:

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Signs You're Getting 'Too Old To Drive

1. It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
2. When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.
3. It scares you to drive the speed limit.
4. The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
5. You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
6. You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.
7. Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
8. Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.