Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mexican/American War

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to
try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied, "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

Doctor - Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door.

A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, 'Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?'

Doctor What They Say / What They Mean

Doctors: What They Say / What They Mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is
hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
-or-I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to
appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is
you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

"How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like heck."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank Goodness I'm off
next week."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Love Reflections

Love's Reflections

Love is often reflected,
in the things we do each day.
By how we view ourselves,
and what we have to say.
It can rest in a mother's eyes,
as she watches her child sleep.
Or can tear her heart apart,
when she hears a loved one weep.
It's there in the gentle touch,
of a child's questing hand.
And is often there behind,
a father's reprimand.
You can see it on the faces,
of the couples, in the park.
While you feel the strength it brings,
as you cuddle in the dark.
Love wears so many faces,
and is reflected everyday.
In the touch, the smile, the careless words,
we choose to use and say.
By Julie Schroeder

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Zoo Animals

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Beer Contains Female Hormones

This is Alarming!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 beers within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary!! Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

Go Git Your Momma

A hillbilly family from the hills was visiting the city, and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy . . go gitcha Momma . . . "

Friday, September 25, 2009


A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Human Resources Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Every month we get a Human Resources report on terminations. When they are asked to put a reason why they were terminated, the reasons vary from resigned, got a better job, getting married, moving, sexual misconduct, etc. What I've found is that there isn't a standard list. So, I decided to come up with one based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just 7 reasons for termination:

Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.

Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.


Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.

Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.

Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

No Name Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.  She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.  "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."  He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."  Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's $.20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,  "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.  I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

Have A Soft And Gentle Day

And Remember, Sometimes Name Brands Do Make A Difference