Cowboy's Favorite Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, Randy noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

Randy couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Blonde and a Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.

He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Kids..Passing On

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Pregnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. she then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.  When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Susan, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Drunk in a Bar

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" he said.

The drunk replied, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Boys and Baseball

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

You're An Extreme Redneck When:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, Hey, guys, watch this
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Banner are Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. =
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house

Lost Wife in Walmart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from! Side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Satan Appears

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the  front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the  church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years.”

Choose Life

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red  light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday- School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
 

Naturally...  I assumed you had stolen the car.priceless!

DUI * Hillbilly Style

Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where  drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'  vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

 "I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

You know you're from Tennessee if:

1.      You measure distance in minutes.

2.      You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3.      Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4.      You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5.      You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I'm fixin' to go to the store.

6.      All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7.      You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.

8.      You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

9.      You know what "cow tipping" is.

10.  You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup. No genuine Tennessean ever called it "Catsup." Down here it's "Ketchup", and let's not forget pepper sauce for the turnip greens!

11.  The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for sports.

12.  You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

13.  You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14.  You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

15.  You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west, or middle Tennessee soon as they open their mouth.

16.  Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "goin to town."

17.  You describe the first cool snap (below 60 degrees) as good Chili weather.

18.  A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Sample: "What kinda coke ya want?"

19.  Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

20.  You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Georgia, 'Bama, and Louisianny

When negative people do their best to rain on your parade

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber Rivercalled Teste."

"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody think s it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!  The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get that shitty hairdo?

Picture Perfect

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

Family

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

 

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

 

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I Can Hear Just Fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

 

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

 

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet"   applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".
    

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

The Birth Order of Children

Your Clothes:

• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
•  

Preparing for the Birth:

• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

 

The Layette:

• 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
• 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
• 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

 

Worries:

• 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
• 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his/her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
• 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

 

Pacifier:

• 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
• 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
• 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

 

Diapering:

• 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
• 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
• 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

 

Activities:

• 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
• 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
• 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

 

Going Out:

• 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
• 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
• 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

 

At Home:

• 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
• 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
• 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

 

Swallowing Coins:

• 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
• 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
• 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live

 

 

Asphalt

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.

He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?"

 

"Driver's license and registration please."

 

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit!"

Teen age sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Men never listen

Men Never Listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

How Grandma came to be

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. The child asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow. How am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God replied, "Among the angels, I'll choose one for you. Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.

The child further inquired, "But tell me God, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and feel very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"I've heard that on earth there are bad people. Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it's life."
At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but the voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angels name."

"Her name is not important. You will simply call her GRANDMA."

Beautiful Blonde

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?

I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".

Texas Cowboy and Trooper

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Old Man Lives in Country

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be diggingup a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES - Love Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. - Love Fred

Two Young Lovers

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs.

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Bacon and Eggs

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says..............”Are you going to tell him, or should I?

The Naked Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One Wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining".

Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up To the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would Like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I Can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll Lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad Things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a Prescription."

If Men Had Their Way

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Garbage would take itself out.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would auto-magically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "Fast enough to spill my beer all over the place." Cop: "Good one! That's $20 off."

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

"COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "Beer."

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From a Different Camera Angle.

It would be easy to rent a tank

Marital Definitions

BACHELOR:

A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

BRIDE:

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE:

An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:

A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:

A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:

What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:

A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:

A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE:

An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:

A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS:

Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

SPOUSE:

Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE:

A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dog Talks

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

When Life was Simple

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . . . . . You just hoped nobody ever found Out!

Little Johnny farting

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school.


When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.

Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Kentucky and Ohio Rednecks Fishing

There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"


"Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

Census Bureau

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"


Redneck Woman: "Fo'."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

A Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A beer before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."


She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You idiot! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh darn, it's started"

Clown test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer.


"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"

"I'm a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking.  Look at the test they're giving now!

Two Blondes Fishing

Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing. After finding a good location, the first blond told the second one to mark the spot so when they came back they will be able to find it again. On the way home, the first one asked, "How did you mark that spot?"

The reply was, "I put an X on the bottom of the boat."

To that, the first blond said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat next time?"

Enough Is Enough

One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough.


"Hello?" I said.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this...

59 and Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

Men

1. Men are like ......Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh*t out of you.

2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The! older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ...Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Obedient Wife

OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Texas Legislature

The Texas Legislature is now considering a bill that would speed up executions in heinous crimes that had more than three eyewitnesses.


If more than three people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on death row for fifteen years, you go straight to the front of the line.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, and Texas is putting in an express lane!

Name Game

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.


The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Decision

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

Monkey and Lizard Smoking a Joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few puffs.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the water.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says...."Hoooooly Shit ......DUDE!  ......  How much water did you drink?!"

Farmer's Will

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.



TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Old farmer and the skinny dippers

An old farmer near Darwin had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large dam away from the house, picnic tables, a croquet court, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was nice and deep and was ideal for swimming, though no one had disturbed its waters for quite a while.

As Darwin had expanded the suburbs had got closer, but he wasn't interested in breaking up his farm. Recently a neighboring farm had diversified and was employing backpackers to pick their fruit.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard some Nordic voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "Ve are not coming out until you have left us alone!

The old man frowned and called back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."