LIttle Johnny gets into Mischief

Little Johnny was always getting into mischief. In exasperation, his mother finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Little Johnny, come in or stay out!'

Oh Darn

Travel

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.


"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

Sheriff

Burglar Proof

Technology

Soul

Kids

My daughter Sydney is in the first grade and doing very well especially in spelling. A couple of weeks ago she came home with her new words and we were studying them for her upcoming test. We came to the word "knit" and I asked her to spell it. She said, "n-i-t". I said, "No, try again." She said, very slowly, "n-i-t". I said, "Sydney, I know you know how to spell this word, try again." Very aggravated and verrrrry slowly (like I was just not getting the whole picture) she spelled, "N-I-T!" Finally I told her the correct spelling, k-n-i-t. She looked at me, hands on hips and said, "THE K'S SILENT!!!"

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself 'this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!'


So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back -wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

How to Lose a Geek

Is It Coming or Going?

Mom's Not Coming Back

Bathroom

Be Not Afraid

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to getaway from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?, Satan asked."

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word asked Satan?"

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Haunting

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."