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Brush Teeth

Leave Mints

Teenage sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.


The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Drinks on the house

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"


The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Expensive Restaurant

A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, and then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum?"


"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

Sewage System

After we called for help with our backed-up sewage system, a man in a large truck arrived to pump out the septic tank. As he proceeded with the dirty and difficult task, my mother made small talk. Then he asked her, "What does your husband do for a living?"


"He's a car salesman," she replied.

"Oh," said the serviceman with a sympathetic look. "Well, I guess someone has to do it."

Getting the kids ready

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.


"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

Frozen

Snow White

Abraham Lincoln Quote

Crushed

Q & A

Q. What makes the Tower of Pisa lean?

A. It never eats.


Q. How can you tell the President in two letters, that you dislike him?
A. Write to him twice.


Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their seats.


Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. Ah! Breakfast in bed!


Q. What is broken every time you say its name?
A. Silence.


Q. What do you get when you steal a calendar?
A. Thirty days.

Frog

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes...”


The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world..."

The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him..."

The Woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me..." So poof! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, that will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you..."

The woman said "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...” So, poof!! - She’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack...."

New Cuyama

This is real sign for a real town in California. A town with a sense of humor