The Mommy Test

THE MOMMY TEST


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.

It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed,

"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Reckless Driving with Wife

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Husband's Rightly Demands

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.


He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess?!"

Welfare Worker

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Speed chase down the highway

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on.


The cars race down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.

When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"

Don't Send a Man to the Grocery Store

Number one would have to be a video of Jeanne Robertson "Don't Send a man to the Grocery Store." I absolute love it and I'm sure you will as well.

Couples 25 Anniversary

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Types of Women

HARD-DISK Woman:

She remembers everything, FOREVER.


RAM Woman:

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.


WINDOWS Woman:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.


EXCEL Woman:

They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.


SCREENSAVER Woman:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!


INTERNET Woman:

Difficult to access.


SERVER Woman:

Always busy when you need her.


MULTIMEDIA Woman:

She makes horrible things look beautiful.


CD-ROM Woman:

She is always faster and faster.


E-MAIL Woman:

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.


VIRUS Woman:

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Signs You're Getting 'Too Old To Drive

1. It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
2. When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.
3. It scares you to drive the speed limit.
4. The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
5. You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
6. You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.
7. Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
8. Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

How to Lose a Geek in 10 Seconds

Jane meets Tarzan

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.


She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees first," said Tarzan

Hillbilly Honeymoon

This hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.


"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do I do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, She's nekid and we're both in bed, What do I do now?"

Knowing his son wasn''t the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?" "No, the son replies. Well take your clothes off and get in bed with her."

The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body in where she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa, I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

Walmart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

The Receptionist

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it. Old, but still handsome and well-dressed insurance man Ray walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The insurance man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the insurance man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'